


here we find our omnipotent outlaws (fall behind the grind tonight)

by catfishcalamity



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: (as of chapter 2), Angst, Canon But A Little To The Left, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hi this is what it is and I’m not the best writer but I craved content, Hurt/Comfort, im not sure what to tag this as uhh, mentions of blackwing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-01
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:02:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24498388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catfishcalamity/pseuds/catfishcalamity
Summary: “Hey, Barbie?”He sighed, and then turned to look at her.“Yes, dirt muppet?”She smirked and chuckled a low, raspy chuckle, and then she looked him in the eyes. He would never get tired of looking at her eyes; they burned, they looked like fire and ashes and the birth of a star and death and chaos and life.“For, uh, for what it’s worth, Ken, I think the universe will remember you too. I will, at least, and that’s gotta count for something.”
Relationships: Bart Curlish & Ken, Bart Curlish/Ken
Comments: 20
Kudos: 10





	1. Chapter 1

They had pulled over for a little while, again, after Ken had insisted that they eat and the car conveniently broke down, leaving Bart with little choice than to agree. Besides, she had a target nearby, a reason to stop in this glorified gas station of a town— she could feel it, the ebb and flow of the universe and the riptide pulling her towards whoever she needed to kill that day. Plus, her stomach was grumbling, so she couldn’t really lie to Ken about not being hungry.

“What’s all this?” She said, gravelly voice puncturing the previous quietness.

“It’s, uh, some burgers, fries, and milkshakes,” came the response from Ken, who was walking up to the spot on the pier she was sitting on, lest she _go into town and kill someone and get us chased out before we even get to eat_ , as Ken had said before wandering off in the general direction of some fast food restaurant.

“Oh. Smells good.”

The sounds of crinkling wrappers filled the air around them, and the smell of fried potatoes and American cheese mingled with that of the salty ocean water below their dangling feet.

“Y’know,” Bart said, breaking the silence yet again while waving a fry, “I don’t think I’ve ever had these before.”

“You’ve never had French fries?!”

“Nope. Never needed to.”

Ken turned to her, his eyebrows raised in pure shock.

“How old are you now?”

“I dunno….thirty somethin’, I think?”

“You’re in your thirties and you’ve never had Chinese food or French fries?” The confusion and disbelief was evident in his voice and even more evident on his face. She stared at him and shrugged her shoulders.

“The universe never said I need to eat them, so I never have. I don’t get the big deal.” Ken struggled to think of a response.  
“How have you gone your whole life and never done basic stuff? What was your life like until now? I mean, I know you’re, like, an assassin, or a serial killer or whatever, but, I mean, you must’ve been a kid once.”

He could instantly tell that he had touched a nerve as Bart’s face grew darker than it normally was, and touching a nerve with Bart usually meant your nerves would be on the receiving end of a deadly weapon in a second or two. He braced himself for impact, screwing up his face and squinting his eyes, but, as the seconds trickled by with no violence, he slowly opened one eye and then the other.

He saw Bart looking uncharacteristically vulnerable, in a way that she had no right to look— vulnerable people usually aren’t covered in other people’s dried blood, with hair matted from years of neglect, ketchup and mustard smeared on their faces, and wearing clothes three sizes too big that were stolen from their victims, but here she was. Her hands were frozen on their way to her mouth, fries and chunks of her burger being smushed in a tightly clenched fist.

After a minute of waging an internal war, she began to speak.

“I…. I didn’t have a normal childhood. I was, like, I dunno, in a….a program? There was me, and a bunch of other people like me, I think, I never got to meet them. And there were these, these, uh, science guys, and they wanted to find out how we worked. Why we were special. Why I can, like, y’know, not get hurt and stuff. Why the universe picked us. They didn’t understand us, though. They thought we were, like, psychic or some shit. Like, they thought we could see stuff before it happened, or, yknow, tell what people were thinking.”

At this, her face grew darker still, and she began to look wounded. Not in the way most other people look wounded, like they’ve just been kicked and had the wind knocked out of them, or like they’ve been hurt for so long that they’re just tired. No, that wasn’t how Bart looked, and to be frank, Ken didn’t even think she was capable of looking like that even if she wanted to. Bart, when she looked wounded, looked like a wild animal who had been shot somewhere nonfatal and backed into a corner, and was ready to kill someone or die trying.

“They didn’t listen when I said that’s not how it worked. Maybe it did for someone else in the program, I dunno. But for me, it’s like…… like the universe just tells me. I feel it in my…. in my something. I can feel the universe and what it wants me to do, so I do it. But that’s not what they wanted, and they figured out real quick that they couldn’t hurt me, so I’d just get locked in my room in the dark until they tried again, and again, and again. I could never give them what they wanted. I hate the dark.”

Ken wasn’t sure what to say, and as he sat, mouth opening and closing like a fish on dry land, trying to find something, anything at all to offer comfort to someone who was likely to rip his arm off if she thought he was insinuating she was weak, she suddenly perked up.

“So, no, never had fries as a kid.”

Sensing she didn’t want to talk more, Ken gave up the subject.

“So, _Barbie_ , what was your childhood like?” She said with a smirk that implied she knew exactly how much her new nickname for him annoyed him.

“Uh, I don’t know. Pretty normal, I guess. I had my mom, my dad, and my sister. We were fairly well-off, I guess. My sister and I went to good schools, and we had the means to go to some good colleges. I went to tech school, though. Otherwise, just, uh, Church on sundays, presents on Christmas, that kinda stuff.”

“Well, why did you start doin’ all the hackin’ and, like, illegal computer stuff?” Bart asked. It was cute, almost, the innocence on her face and in her voice. There was a genuine desire to know more about him, to learn about what made him tick, and Ken couldn’t help but wonder if she had ever wanted to learn more about someone else before him.

He rubbed the back of his neck and looked away before responding.

“It was, um, better paying. My dad died a few years back, and, I dunno, I wanted to help. My mom was having trouble with money, and my sister was still in high school. I meant to stop, but I kept getting more clients, which meant more money, which meant I could help my family more.”

“Oh. I, uh, I’m sorry. For your loss, and all.” It was awkward, and it was said in a way that made it abundantly clear that she wasn’t used to offering comfort, but that made it all the more genuine, and that was all that mattered. Hell, the fact that she was trying at all meant the world to him.

“It’s okay. I’m sorry about...what happened to you,” he said hesitantly.

“Nah, it’s okay. Made me the person I am today and all that jazz.”

“No, I’m serious, Bart. I’m sorry. If I were there, nobody would’ve ever done anything. You would’ve been happy, and safe.”

“What, you sayin’ you don’t like me the way I am now?”, she said defensively.

“No! No, I’m just….” he sighed. “Nobody deserves that.”

“Yeah, well, the universe makes things happen for a reason. Everything is—“

“Connected, yeah, yeah, I know. But…. I’m not letting anything like that happen to you again, okay? Universe be damned.”

At this, Bart took a slow, deep breath, and Ken began running through every possible way she was about to kill him in his head.

“That’s….sweet. Nobody’s been sweet with me before,” she said, the smile that was reserved for him and him alone coming out in full force.

“Yeah, well, you better get used to it, cause I’m not gonna stop anytime soon,” Ken said, smiling back at her,

Suddenly, her face dropped, like a stone sinking in a pool, and he could tell that she felt the sinking inside her as well.

“Well, you don’t mean that, though.”

“Don’t mean what?”

“Y’know, the, the ‘not gonna stop anytime soon’ part,” she said, looking uncharacteristically worried.

“What do you mean, I didn’t mean that?”, he said, thoroughly confused.

“Well, y’know, you’re only with me cause I kidnapped you. I mean, once you’ve fulfilled your purpose, you’ll go, one way or another. Nobody sticks around.” She was chewing on her thumbnail and avoiding his eyes.

“I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”

She looked cautious, as if she was waiting to be happy and to revel in the statement until she got more confirmation, because it seemed too good to be true and she didn’t want to be crushed under the weight of false hope.

“You’re...you’re sure? Cause, I mean, you never know what the universe has planned. You could get kidnapped, or I could have to kill you, or, y’know, you could just decide to leave.”

“Nope. I’m not leaving you willingly, and I don’t believe you’re gonna kill me. I don’t think that’s what the universe has in mind.”

His smile was reassuring and her responding smile suddenly stunned him, a full blast of sheer joy radiating from her dirty face. She turned to face him fully and leaned on her hands and knees, faces inches from his.

“I’m gonna hold you to that!”, she laughed and he giggled back, just happy to see her happy. She was cute when she smiled, and after everything she had been through, after what her life was like, didn’t she deserve some happiness, some form of comfort?

They laughed and finished their food and sat on the pier, basking in the sun. After all, nothing seemed to be telling Bart to go kill someone, and quite frankly the two of them were quite comfortable, to be honest. Plus, Bart very much liked watching the fish. They were pretty, and they would all gather when she threw in a crumb or two from her wrappers and then swim away frantically when she threw in a rock afterwards, and it was rather entertaining to her.

Later, as the sun began to set, Bart looked up at Ken from her spot on his shoulder.

“Hey, Barbie?”

He sighed, and then turned to look at her.

“Yes, dirt muppet?”

She smirked and chuckled a low, raspy chuckle, and then she looked him in the eyes. He would never get tired of looking at her eyes; they burned, and they looked like fire and ashes and the birth of a star and death and chaos and life.

“Y’know, I’m… I’m sorry, for getting you all caught up in this, even if it was the universe, even if it wasn’t really my idea. You, you have a, a family, a life, and I’ve pulled you away from all that, and it’s, its not fair, ‘cause you have people who will miss you. It’s alright for me, y’know? The only thing that could ever miss me is the universe, and it can just pop out a new me whenever. But you, you’ve got people who will miss you when you’re gone. ‘S’not fair. To them, I mean.”

Ken exhaled slowly, a long breath that hung in the air between them.

“Bart… this, this whole thing you’ve got me caught up in, it’s so much more than I ever would have dreamed of, even just a week ago. You are tangled up in the strings of the universe. If something happens to anyone else, even to me, people will miss us, yeah, but people die, and when everyone who missed you is dead, then you’re gone forever. But you, when you die, the universe will remember you. And to be near that, to see that, to watch you, it’s…. it’s incredible, and awe-inspiring, and I want to keep seeing how things unfold for you.”

She paused for a moment, unsure what to say. Then, turning to him with startling seriousness in her eyes, said:

“For, uh, for what it’s worth, Ken, I think the universe will remember you too. I will, at least, and that’s gotta count for something.”

“Thank you. For everything,” he said sincerely.

“Don’t mention it,” she said, turning to terrorize some more fish.

“I’m serious, I—“

“I said, don’t mention it,” she said threateningly, and Ken knew to shut up and enjoy her presence.

There would be more killing, more stealing, and more holistic-assassin-y things to deal with, most likely quite soon, but for now they were content to sit on the pier, watch the last rays of sunlight die out, and scare some fish.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i made my bio dad and my stepdad start watching the show as soon as i did and my bio dad just finished it, so i just saw the finale again, and i’m upset again lmao
> 
> here’s that angst i finally promised y’all.

As far as Bart was aware, this wasn’t how friendships were supposed to go. Friends, to the best of her knowledge, didn’t learn what makes you tick, what scared you more than anything, and turn it against you.

By the time they had reunited, she had thought it would be good, maybe, going back to Blackwing. She had come to realize that she was a danger to everyone around her, whether she wanted to be or not. Ken had been taken by Blackwing, and they had done god knows what to him, and Panto had been  _ killed _ , hand in hand with his lover. It was supposed to be their happily ever after, but she had fucked it up like she fucked up everything else. They wouldn’t have died if she had just listened to the universe and killed the lady with the yellow hair. Their blood was on her hands, literally and metaphorically, and it was more than she could take.

In the end, she figured, she was just a weapon, and she wasn’t the one whose finger pulled the trigger. She could go off at any time, and anybody close to her would be hurt. Wasn’t it just better, in the end, to just be somewhere where they knew how to minimize her blast radius? And if Ken was there, he would keep his promise. She knew he would. He was good like that. He cared about her, and he wouldn’t let anything happen to her. She would never be alone in the dark again.

Well, whoever they had lured her back with, it wasn’t Ken. It had his face, and his voice, but it wasn’t  _ him. _ Not-Ken, he wore fancy suits, and when he smiled, it didn’t reach his eyes. That was how you could tell Not-Ken from Real Ken, she thought. The eyes gave him away immediately.

He used all sorts of big words and he talked like he  _ understood _ things, the Universe, her, and all those other people like her. He didn’t. He used to, almost, maybe, but he was farther now than he had been, those days when it was the two of them in their little taxi, far away from the rest of the world. He had all the pieces, but he didn’t understand the way that they worked. He thought that if he smashed them together hard enough, if he tried to arrange them a certain way, they’d work how he wanted them to. They wouldn’t, though.

He would come in to talk to her, sometimes, and he would be nice in a fake way, in the way that medicine tastes like candy, but with a nasty edge underneath. He would tell her what he was planning on doing, or ask her if she felt like she needed to kill him, and how badly. He was always so smug, when she said that she did. She knew she couldn’t, no matter how badly the Universe wanted it,  _ needed _ it, and he made sure she knew that he did too.

Maybe,  _ maybe, _ she would’ve been able to deal with all of this, with the way her life was going, if Ken had just remembered the basis of his promise, if he had just remembered the simplest little thing. 

If Ken would just leave the lights on, maybe she’d cope better. But he didn’t, and she was left with nothing but nightmares about a blood-soaked body with pink hair and a monster with the face she loved most but the eyes of somebody else.

**Author's Note:**

> This was the longest thing I’ve ever written wtf 😳😳😳  
> Also if you wanna talk to me, I’ve made a blog for my ao3 account on tumblr with the same username!! Also, comments are encouraged!! I love any kind of feedback


End file.
